How Fickle My Heart
by Falesification223
Summary: How I think the writers should be handling the McSwarek relationship towards the end of season 3. Starts with 3x10. Now a multi-chapter story!
1. How Fickle My Heart

Hey guys! I'm back again. I've had this stored away for a week or two, just chomping at the bit for 3x09 to air. Anywho, please review. I love hearing from readers, it fuels my muse.

Oh! And sorry in advance for any grammar/spelling mistakes.

Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue.

* * *

The ride home is quiet. She had no intention of going home with him tonight, but it just happened. She was walking down the hall to the exit when she felt a presence beside her. She didn't have to look over to know who it was. They walked side by side out to his truck, neither speaking nor looking at one another.

Needless to say, the tension is dense, pent up emotions and words hanging heavily in the air between them. They're both avoiding the elephant in the car, one that's been following them around since last week.

He knows he overreacted earlier, but at this point he just doesn't care. Anger and frustration boil beneath the surface of his skin as he thinks about the day's events once more, his white knuckles tightening around the steering wheel as he drives them to his house. Andy's silent the whole way, never stealing a glance at his stern profile. Sam watches her through his peripherals as she her props her elbow on the window ledge and rests her chin in her hand as she watches the city pass her by.

He pulls the truck into his driveway and brings it to a slow stop. He shuts it off and Andy starts to get out before noticing that he's making no attempt at getting out. She sits back in her seat and sighs.

They sit there in silence for seconds, minutes, what _feels_ like hours before Andy speaks quietly.

"You were out of line today."

His brows shoot up as he looks over at her and places one of his hands on his chest. "_Me? I _was out of line?"

"Yeah, you were," she answers a bit defensively. Andy turns her body in the seat so she's facing him. "And what's that supposed to mean?" she asks with a bit more attitude than intended.

Sam ignores her question. "What were you thinking today at the deal?"

"What do you mean? I did nothing that was out of line-"

Sam scoffs at that and rolls his eyes. He can feel his anger rise as she defends herself.

"Nothing? You don't see anything wrong with the way you acted?"

"I was doing my _job_, Sam_._ Sorry for being a good cop."

"Being a good cop doesn't mean disobeying orders and almost blowing the operation. You were supposed to stay behind the scenes, not be the one who talked down the buyer."

He's speaking loudly now, his face the utter description of pissed off.

"Hey. If it weren't for me, that operation would have been blown, and you know it. I don't get why you're making such a big deal out of this."

Sam pauses for a second before responding, a questioning look on his face. "A big deal?"

"Yeah, a big deal. And stop repeating what I say, it's annoying." She skips a beat before an idea comes to mind. "Look, is this about your manliness or something? Did I like hurt your feelings by stepping up today or…"

He cuts off her rambling, "Woah, Andy, Andy. That is _not_ what this is about."

"Then why do you care so much?" She all but yells, wildly gesturing with her hands.

He doesn't even think before he blurts out, "Because you're reckless, Andy! You do what you want without thinking it through or considering who's gonna get hurt or killed in the process!"

Her reply is ready as soon as he finishes. "If I hadn't of gone in there Nick would probably have a lot more than just a few cuts and bruises right now and he'd be sitting in a hospital. You told me a long time ago to trust my gut, and that's what I did, Sam. In the past it's worked for me and –"

He cuts her off and speaks loudly. "Oh yeah? Is that what happened last week?"

Andy cocks her head to the side just slightly and grimaces. "What? What do you mean?"

His reply is immediate, and he barely gives a thought to what he's about to say next. "I mean that I shoulda listened to Jerry the other night and instead I listened to you."

She visibly recoils at his words, hurt and anguish filling her eyes. She breaks eye contact and looks down at her hands in her lap. The next time she speaks, she's hesitant and quiet.

"Is that what this is really about? Are you blaming me for Jerry?"

She looks up to find him looking straight ahead out the windshield, slowly shaking his head.

His voice is quiet. "No, Andy – "

"Really?" She bites out, a bit louder now, anger slowly seeping back into her voice. "Because that's what it feels like. It feels like you're saying that if I had acted differently, that he wouldn't have died."

He shakes his head. "I just didn't want anything to happen to you. I...I …" the words stick on the lump that's formed in his throat and he's unable to voice his feelings.

"You what?" She cuts him off, angry tears filling her eyes. Her bitter tone dares him to say it, to say he loves her. She's been pushing that nagging feeling to the back of her mind that Sam never returned the three-word sentiment she said weeks ago.

He looks back at her, his mouth paralyzed. He clamps it shut and shakes his head infinitesimally.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," she says.

They sit in silence for a minute while Andy's brain tries to dissect what he really means. When she thinks she has a grasp on what he's saying, she speaks again.

"So what you're saying is that you only went with me because we're together and you were worried about me because of what happened in my apartment the night before. That it had nothing to do with the facts that pointed towards the bartender; that it was just you being overprotective and fulfilling your need to constantly hover over me like I'm some helpless child."

Sam doesn't object to her theory, just sits there and digests it for what it is. And somewhere deep down, he knows that she's right. His silence is all she needs to doubt him, to doubt what they have. She's the next one to speak, but she can't even make eye contact with him at this point.

"Listen, maybe we should take some time-" she stops suddenly when she sees his head snap to the side to look at her and makes eye contact with him. The look in his eyes is so open and vulnerable it almost makes her flinch. It holds desperation, a silent plea to her to just _stay_ and be with him. The look alone slowly alleviates the feelings of anger and frustration that were steadily building up inside her and she pushes them to the back of her mind to be dealt with another time.

It's one of the few times she's seen his face display what he's actually feeling inside, and right now he doesn't care because at this point he's so broken and exhausted inside that all he wants to do is climb in bed with her and sleep the days and stress away, forgetting the world outside in the process.

"Can," he rasps out and shuts his mouth before quickly clearing his thoat. "Can we go inside?" Sam tries again, his voice still rough with emotion.

She nods and holds his gaze for a few more seconds. "Yeah," she replies and begins to get out of the truck, her bag slung over her shoulder as she makes her way to his front door.

He lets them inside and they toe off their shoes, hang their coats and toss their bags aside in the foyer. Andy starts to trudge down the hallway in search of his bedroom when she feels a hand close around her arm and pull back. She turns around to find him standing very close. Their chests almost brush together and she can feel his breath on her face as one of his hands creeps up to cup her jaw.

He inches his face forward and brushes his nose against hers, a gesture he never really started doing until he met her. "Hey," he wispers before he moves his lips to hers.

The kiss is gentle at first, but it's like a fire spreads inside him and the kiss quickly escalates to something rushed and furious. Andy struggles a bit at first to keep up but gets in the groove of returning his demanding kisses as she slips her tongue inside his mouth. She tries not to grin as she hears a quiet moan escape the back of his throat as their tongues battle for power. Sam leans down a little and runs one of his hands down her side, over her hip and down to her leg. He grabs it and pulls it up around his waist and uses her offset of balance as a chance to back her up against the wall in the foyer.

Out of nowhere, Andy gets this feeling. It's a nagging one that starts small, telling her that they shouldn't do this, not like this anyway. There's too much that's been left unsaid. They can't just forget that Jerry died and that Sam probably blames her for it. She can't live with that. She can't live with him thinking that.

She knows it wasn't her fault, she does. Traci doesn't blame her, her coworkers don't blame her… but after what Sam said she can't help but blame herself the slightest bit. There was no way she could have known it was the cab driver. She trusted her gut and her instincts and they pointed her towards the bartender. She never could have known that Jerry would be the one to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Andy loses track of that thought as Sam's lips travel from her mouth to her jaw and down to her neck. She arcs into his chest and angles her chin up to give him better access. She lets out a moan as his lips move to that spot behind her ear. As he moves to lift her fully up around his waist, the pestering voice in the back of her mind starts screaming at her to stop this, that they need to talk.

"Sam." Andy means it as a warning but it comes out more as a gasp as he grinds his hips into hers at that exact moment, showing her just how happy he is that she's okay.

So she tries again, this time while shoving at his shoulder forcefully for good measure. "Sam, stop."

He pulls back a few inches to look at her, his questioning eyes not quite masked by the guarded expression he's attempting to put on his face. "What is it?"

Andy knows that if she's gonna say anything more, she has to be at least two feet away from him because the look in his eyes alone is all she needs right now to jump him and forget all of her doubts. So she pushes at his chest again while trying to put her legs back on the ground.

"Can you – can you please just put me on the ground?"

Sam disentangles himself from her and takes a few steps back and crosses his arms, like he honestly cannot believe she's doing this right now.

After a few seconds he asks, "So?"

She shakes her head and buries her face in her hands, breathing deeply while trying to collect her thoughts. Sam steps forward and pulls her hands away.

"Andy, we can talk about it in the morning, just come to bed with me."

She lets out a breath before shaking her head, "are you kidding me, Sam?"

"What?" His brows furrow and he's looking at her like she's lost her mind.

"I said 'are you kidding me?'. Going to bed with each other is the last thing we should be doing right now! Ten minutes ago you basically told me you blame me for what happened to Jerry. How am I supposed to forget about that and move on into bed with you?"

"Andy-" Sam tries to interrupt, but she doesn't let him. Her voice gains confidence and volume as she continues full steam ahead.

"We need to talk about this! I know you're not fine. You say you are, but guess what? I can hear you awake at night breathing next to me. I know you haven't been able to get more than two hours of uninterrupted sleep for the past couple weeks because of Jerry dying. And I ask you all the time if you're fine, but I know you're not! You're shutting me out, and it's gone on for long enough! I can't stand it!"

Andy's rant comes to an end and she stops then, breathing heavily.

"You done?" He asks.

She looks up at him and nods, eyes filled with sadness. "Yeah."

Sam looks away and the seconds tick past before he speaks again. "I think you're right. Maybe we should take some time."

She lets out a shuddering breath, "Seriously?"

"Yeah." Sam looks back at her. "I don't know if I can do this job and be with you at the same time."

Her forehead wrinkles and tears spring to her eyes. "Yeah, okay." She almost whispers.

They stand there looking at each other for a while until a neighborhood car alarm sounds and snaps Andy out of her trance. She collects her jacket and slides her shoes on and shoulders her bag before opening his front door. She looks back at Sam, still standing in the same place, not looking at her.

"Okay then, I guess I'll see you around."

And with that, Andy walks out his door and down his front walk. Tears flood her eyes as she reaches the sidewalk and starts walking in the direction of her house. She looks back at his house and sees nothing. No movement, no lights turning on or off, no signs of him running after her.

But what she can't see is Sam moving throughout his house slowly, on his way to his bedroom. She can't see him collapse onto his bed as grief overtakes his body and he shakes with sobs as he cries into his pillow, the stress finally breaking him.


	2. Now My Heart Stumbles

A/N: Here's chapter two! Obviously I've decided to continue the story based on the amount of reviews I got last time. Thanks to all who read chapter 1 and an especially big thank you goes out to those who reviewed! They really do mean a lot, you guys.

Oh, and I know this doesn't have a ton of Sam/Andy, but just wait for next chapter, people. It's gonna be epic.

Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue.

* * *

Two weeks later, she's on patrol with Nick. Andy thanks the universe that she and Sam have been on opposite shifts for the past two weeks by some cosmic stroke of luck which means that she's been alternating between Nick, Oliver, and Dov every day. That is, until today. Today is the first day she and Sam are working the same shift, and she thanks the universe once more that she's paired with Nick.

Since Nick came to 15, they've really grown into friends. And she's thinks she's about the only one who really sees him as a friend. Chis hates him, which by the transitive property means Dov hates him too, and all the training officers still have this unspoken grudge against him even though he hasn't been a rookie for over two months. Andy thinks of him how she would Dov or Chris: like a brother.

Andy and Nick stop for coffee mid-morning. It's his turn to run inside their favorite coffee shop, and by now he knows her order by heart. If he can tell she's a little upset about something he'll come back with a massive blueberry muffin for her. Which has been like every day they've been paired together, so Andy's been happily drowning her sorrows in muffins for the past two weeks. And honestly, she's found no better therapy for a breakup – or whatever you want to call it, ugh, she doesn't even know – than muffins and watching _27 Dresses_ over and over again. Andy finds herself going through stages with this breakup though. And right now she's just getting over the anger/bitterness stage, hopefully teetering on the edge of acceptance so she can be the mature adult here and go and talk to him.

It's a good thing they haven't been on the same shift while she was in the anger phase, she thinks. Because she probably would have pulled some juvenile bullshit to take her anger out on him like smacking his coffee out of his hands and making it spill all over him as she passed him in the hallway.

Nick climbs back in the cruiser ten minutes later and hands her coffee to her, followed by a small bag containing, yep, a blueberry muffin.

Andy looks over at him as he's buckling his seat belt and putting the car in gear.

"Am I really that easy to read?"

He smiles and shrugs. "Well, you ride with somebody long enough, you learn a lot about them."

She opens her mouth to speak when the radio cuts off any response she might of had. "Standby for the hotshot. We've got a call for the second time this month of a rowdy domestic disturbance at 1529 Rodham, neighbors say a child is inside."

Andy looks over at Nick for a second and watches him turn right, signaling that he's already en route to the scene.

"Mark 1519 responding," she radios back.

They pull up in front of the apartment building and make their way inside, Nick holding the door open for her to go in ahead. The building isn't in the best part of town; they get calls from this area all the time. It's definitely not a place Andy would want to walk around at night by herself, she thinks. She and Nick climb the stairs to the second floor and the instant Andy puts her foot on the landing at the top of the stairs, she can hear yelling.

"Wow, they weren't kidding about the word 'rowdy,' were they?" Nick jokes from behind her.

She smirks as she makes her way to the door and knocks, but it's obvious that it goes unheard on the other side of the door because the yelling continues without any break. Andy's about to knock again when he hears a man's muffled yell on the other side of the door.

"Kara, put down the gun!"

Andy and Nick share a look before Nick radios for backup. He then pushes her aside the door and backs up a little, preparing to kick in the door.

Two shots fire off.

"1519, we have shots fired at 1529 Rodham. I repeat, shots fired. Immediate backup is requested."

Nick kicks the door in and they're greeted with the sight of a mid-thirties looking woman pointing a gun at her now dead husband – or boyfriend, or whatever. Andy's decided she hates labels.

The woman with the gun starts screaming again, but this time it's cries of agony. Andy looks over behind where the husband is laying and sees a little boy around the age of six lying on the ground.

It's obvious that the boy is the son of the woman; he looks so much like her. Except for the fact that he has blood rapidly pouring out of his neck.

Nick steps forward to restrain the woman – who by now is a weeping, distraught mess – and quickly puts her in handcuffs and then checks the husband for a pulse.

He feels nothing.

"1519, we need a bus. We've got one adult male and one male child with gunshot wounds." Nick radios in and starts doing compressions on the man's chest. He knows it's a lost cause, but it's procedure.

Andy springs towards the boy and immediately learns that he has a gunshot wound to the neck. She grabs dishtowels from by the sink in the apartment and rushes to put pressure on the little boy's rapidly bleeding neck.

"Where the hell is that backup?" She yells at no one in particular.

Andy applies pressure to the wound on the boy's neck and watches the towels absorb the blood and turn a bright crimson. She zones out a little, tuning out the world around her as she tends to the little boy.

"Hi, I'm Andy." She tells the boy softly. "What's your name?"

"Tyler," the boy answers roughly.

"Okay Tyler, you've got to stay with me okay? Help is gonna be here any minute to take you to the hospital. Can you do that for me?"

Andy can hear her voice shake and she scolds herself. She needs to be strong right now and not panic in front of this little boy because she knows his future is grim.

The little boy nods minutely, but it must move something around because suddenly he starts coughing, spewing blood all over her.

His eyes start to drift closed.

"Tyler I need you to stay with me. Maybe it's better that you don't talk though. But I need you to stay awake, okay?" Andy pleads with him.

He opens his eyes further and looks at her. Tyler looks scared, just as any person would be – especially a child – and Andy tells him that he's going to be fine. She grabs ahold of hand with one of hers and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

Andy doesn't notice when Sam and Chris enter the apartment. Sam orders Chris to take the hysterical mother down to the cruiser and then assesses the man that Nick is doing compressions on.

Sam continues looking around the scene for a second when he hears Andy's voice rise in panic as she watches Tyler's eyes drift shut.

"Tyler! Tyler, I need you to stay awake! Tyler!" she desperately pleads.

Sam quickly makes his way over to her and takes in the scene before him. Andy's hands are covered in blood, her face is splattered with it, and her pants are soaked at the knees from kneeling in the pool that surrounds the boy.

Andy feels him still and his chest stop rising and falling. She literally feels the life leave his small, six year old body.

The paramedics burst through the door at that moment and rush to the boy, who Andy is now basically yelling at to stay alive.

The medics push Andy back from the boy and quickly get him up on the stretcher, rushing him back down to the ambulance. She doesn't move from where she was pushed aside. Time seems to be moving in slow motion for her. She just sits there, looking at the pool of blood left behind. She suddenly realizes that she's basically sitting in it, too. She looks down at her hands and sees the bright red blood that coats her otherwise tan, smooth skin. Andy wipes them on her thighs, trying to wipe as much blood on her pants as possible. Then she remembers the boy. The blood. The slow slide of his eyelids as they closed one last time.

She needs to get out of here.

Andy stands up and starts to run out of the room but Sam grabs her arm as she passes him.

"Andy, you need to go back to the station. You can't go with them." He tells her, assuming that she's running after the paramedics to go with the boy to the hospital. The action only fuels her anger towards him.

She wretches her arm from his grasp and continues on her path without looking back. The thought of going with the paramedics never even crossed her mind; Andy just needs to get out of this room. Hell, she needs to get out of this building before she's in hysterics and starts hyperventilating.

Andy jogs out of the building, weaving through the crowd of officers that now flood the front lawn. She turns the corner of the building and walks until she's sure nobody can see or hear her. She's breathing heavily as she stops and braces herself on the side of the building.

Her body heaves as she empties the contents of her stomach on the grass. She leans her back against the building when she's finished and tries to push the memories of Tyler out of her mind – a pretty much impossible task – and bite off tears that seem determined to make her into a blubbering mess.

Andy suddenly remembers the blood again and its vomiting round two as she dry heaves, arms braced on her knees.

"McNally!"

She knows that voice better than anyone else. She turns around and sees Sam walking towards her. He doesn't even think before reaching out to touch her arm. Andy jerks back a little bit, out of his touch.

She moves swiftly around him as she wipes her mouth with her sleeve and walks back to the front of the building to find Nick. Sam isn't far behind her when he calls "We need to talk."

Andy turns around at that, so abruptly that Sam almost runs right into her. They're still under some cover behind a giant tree in the corner of the lawn, so with a little bit of luck nobody can see or hear them doing this.

"What, so you can blame me for another death?" Andy blurts without even thinking.

He visibly recoils at that and shakes his head. "About how to – "

"Well, you can save it. I'm busy. I need to get back to the barn."

Sam watches her walk to the cruiser with Nick, noticing him place his hand on the small of her back. Sam's jaw clenches and his fists ball up at the gesture.

* * *

Sam's leaning against his truck after shift, waiting for Andy to emerge so he can talk to her. When he sees her exit the division and start walking the opposite direction, he jogs after her.

"Andy!"

Andy turns around and waits, an exhausted and empty look gracing her features. Sam figures that won't change for some time; it's always hard losing a kid – especially when it's literally in your hands to keep them alive. God, all he wants to do is take her in his arms and hold her tight, to tell her that it wasn't her fault, that she did all she could for that little boy today. Instead he settles on something less emotional and something a little more _Sam_.

"Can we talk?"

She sighs and shakes her head. "Look, I've had a really long day. I'm not up for…this right now."

He sighs, "Can I at least give you a ride home?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but I'm going to the penny."

His forehead creases with worry and concern flashes in his eyes. "I don't really think that's a good idea."

She shrugs and avoids eye contact. "Yeah, well it doesn't matter what you think. You lost the right to an opinion two weeks ago."

Andy looks around the parking lot and spots who she's looking for. Before he can formulate a response, she dismisses him.

"I have to go, I'll see you around."

He watches her walk away once again and past her he sees Chris and Dov getting into Chris' car. She climbs in the back seat and they drive out of the parking lot.

She stays for a few drinks and a few rounds of darts at the Penny before walking home.

* * *

A/N 2: Sorry to leave it there, guys! I already have like a third of chapter three typed, but i'm moving next tuesday so it might be a week or so before I update. Thanks again for reading and don't forget to review! They really do make me want to write more. So if you want a chapter three faster, review people!


	3. How Woozy My Eyes

Hey, guys! Sorry I wasn't able to get this up earlier. I had hopes to get it up before I moved, but that just didn't work out. Anyway, this one is a bit longer than the others, which I don't think you'll complain about. :)

Please don't forget to review! And thanks to everyone who did last time and favorited/followed this story.

Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue.

* * *

Andy can't sleep that night after walking home from the Penny. Every time she closes her eyes she can see Tyler bleeding out under her hands as she desperately pleads with him to stay alive. And when her eyes get so exhausted that she finally does manage to drift off into slumber, she's haunted by nightmares. The nightmares consist of her trying to save Tyler, but when she looks away for a second and then looks back down at him, it's Sam that's lying on the floor bleeding out. After she finally wakes up to her own screams, the process repeats itself over and over until it's time for her to get up for work.

Andy sees Sam at work, knows he's not sleeping either based on his appearance: dark circles under his eyes, not quite on top of everything as he usually is. He plans – that's right, Sam Swarek has a plan for once – to leave Andy alone the next day, though it might be killing him to not know how she is, giving her space to deal with the heartbreak of loss in her own way. Plus, Andy was more than happy to inform him that he lost the right to know personal details when he asked for space.

He knows that she's right, but he can't help but feel concern for her. This temporary situation doesn't impact how he feels about her and just because they're taking space does not mean that he doesn't genuinely care about her wellbeing.

Sam's plan is completely ruined however, when they're paired together working the desk. Andy avoids talking to him at all costs; she's just not ready for that. So instead she settles on doing paperwork from yesterday and tapping her pen to the tune of her favorite song. After lunch she can tell that all the silence is getting to Sam, which is surprising since he's usually the one who's mute. He's all fidgety, like he's nervous about something. At one point someone drops something out in the bullpen and honest to god he literally jumps enough to fling his pen across the desk and onto her paperwork.

"What is your problem?" Andy hisses at him. She picks up the pen and throws it back at him, hitting him square in the chest as he swivels his chair to face her.

"What?" His brow furrows like he's completely unaware of this.

"You're all nervous and jumpy, it's weird."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sam. You just launched your pen at me, I think we both know you're being weird. Now knock it off."

She goes back to her paperwork, fed up with him.

Another hour or so passes before he finally asks the question he's been holding back all day.

"So, uh, how are you? Ya know, with what happened yesterday and everything…"

Her pen stops moving but she doesn't look up when she says, "I'm fine."

Sam rolls his eyes before asking quietly, "Wanna talk about it?"

Andy shakes her head and starts writing again. "Nope."

He observes her, the way her jaw is now clenching and she's all hunched over, like she's trying to hide her face a little. Sam stares at her for another minute or two.

"Listen, I know things between us haven't changed, but if you do wanna talk, I'm here. Okay?"

"Yep."

The rest of the day passes in silence and before she knows it, shift is over. Andy walks home in the rain that's been gracing Toronto lately and literally falls into bed, exhaustion catching up with her from the past few days. It's around 2 am when she wakes to her own cries and whimpers. The rain is full on pouring now, thunder and lightning illuminating the sky.

For some reason, this nightmare is different. It's worse.

Way worse.

Andy shakes with sobs and sits up against the headboard. She pulls her knees up and wraps her arms around them.

Sam.

Is he okay? The dream was so real. She felt the life leave his body as she frantically screamed for help.

She feels an overwhelming need to see him to make sure he's okay and that he's safe and not laying in a morgue somewhere.

Now.

Andy scampers out of bed and pulls on the first articles of clothing her hands make contact with: a pair of yoga pants and one of Sam's sweatshirts that's lying on the floor – which she has been planning to throw out or burn or whatever, she just never got around to doing it. She grabs her keys and heads out into the night rain in search of Sam's house.

Tears streak down her face as she runs up his steps and knocks five quick, impatient times and waits for him to answer. When he finally does manage to pull on a pair of jeans and open the door, he scratches his bare chest as a confused, half-asleep expression graces his features.

He looks at her bouncing nervously from one foot to the other and sees the tears – or is that just rain? –making their way down her cheeks.

"Andy," he starts to say all rough and low and laced with concern, but she stops him when she propels herself towards him and wraps her arms around his waist as tight as she can.

Sam can tell she ran over here because when she buries her face in his neck he can hear the pants of air being released as she cries. He instinctively wraps his strong arms around her and pulls her inside out of the downpour. Andy's rain soaked clothing against his bare chest makes a little shiver race down his spine.

"You're safe, you're safe," he hears her mumble into his neck.

Sam helps her shed her wet sweatshirt – hmm, that looks familiar, he thinks – and leads her down the hall to his room.

Sam's never really seen her like this, and he figures it's because she doesn't trust him enough to let him see this side of her that rarely makes an appearance. The Andy McNally he knows is strong and doesn't let anyone think of her as weak or damaged.

Sam has an idea of what brought on this episode, but he's not 100% sure. So when he gets her in his bed and they're both lying on their sides with their legs tangled together, he puts his palms on her cheeks.

"Andy," he pulls back and looks deep into her red, puffy eyes. He uses the pads of his thumbs to wipe the quiet tears that escape from her eyes. He knows that he should just ask the one word question he has in mind, but he can't help himself as he closes the distance between them.

Sam brushes his lips against hers in a kiss that's promising and comforting. Andy sighs and leans into the kiss, reveling in the feeling and remembering how much she's missed him in the past few weeks.

When he pulls back and bumps her nose softly with his, she bites her lip as she waits for him to say something.

"Nightmares?" he asks simply.

Andy nods, "I keep seeing it. I keep seeing _you_. They're so bad, Sam," She cries and tucks her head into his neck once more.

"I know, I know."

A period of silence graces them as she continues to quietly cry into his shoulder. She's about to fall asleep when he speaks into her ear quietly.

"It's gonna be okay, Andy. It might take a little time, but we're gonna be okay."

Andy nods into his shoulder and tightens her hold on him and she lets the crying take over her. She loses herself in the way his hand softly threads through her hair while the other soothingly rubs her back and she slowly falls asleep wrapped in his arms.

* * *

Andy wakes in the early morning to the front door opening and closing. Sam is on the morning shift today, which explains the big cold spot her hand finds in the sheets when she reaches out for him. A second later she hears his truck start. She rolls over onto his pillow to nuzzle her head in and breathe in his scent.

That plan is ruined however when her face connects with something crinkly and not quite as soft as a pillow. She pushes herself up on her elbows to inspect what assaulted her.

It's a piece of paper. Andy flips it over and squints her tired eyes a little to make out Sam's handwriting. She sits up in his bed and crosses her legs pretzel style before brushing her hair out of her face.

_Andy,_

_We still need to talk. I have to go to St. Catherines after work to help Sarah move this weekend. Talk when I get back?_

Andy stares at the note for a minute before letting her hand fall to the bed, note in hand, and sighs.

Ugh, that guy.

* * *

Two days later – after not hearing anything from Sam yet – she's at the Penny again playing darts with Dov and Chris after shift.

Gail's still in recovery mode, being fawned over by her family while she heals. And Traci? Andy tried to always stop over there at least three times a week but she makes sure to call daily. Traci's been back at work a few times since Jerry died, insisting that she needs something to do other than sit at home and watch reruns of _Grey's Anatomy_ for the fourth time. Frank makes sure it's lighter stuff, mainly front desk work, but Traci's happy with anything she can get. Andy's happy that Traci's been coming into the station; it means that she's starting to move on past the not-showering, not-getting-off-the-couch stage.

Dov calling Andy's name snaps her out of her reverie, telling her that it's her turn at darts. She takes her turn, sits back down and watches Chris line up his shot with precision. He and Dov are in a heated battle; loser has to buy all the drinks for the night. Chris and Dov are in the middle of a trash-talking match when Andy spots Nick over at the bar. She's surprised to see him there; most nights he goes to see Gail.

She tells the boys she'll be back and makes her way over to Nick, who's currently looking down into his beer with a lost look on his face. Andy slides onto the stool next to him. When he doesn't notice her presence, she nudges him with her shoulder.

"Hey. What are you doing here? I thought you spent most of your nights with Gail."

"Yeah, I guess." His answer is short and she gets the impression that he doesn't want to talk about it. Oh well, the alcohol in her system dulls that sensation and she doesn't really care about pissing him off.

"Oh." She senses more is going on than he's telling her so she pushes on. "So, how are things with Gail?"

Nick ignores her question and fires one back at her.

"How are things with _Swarek_?"

She fakes innocence. "What? What do you mean?"

Nick grins at her. "Oh, don't give me that. I was there at the crime scene, I saw you two. Something's going on."

She sighs and looks away, back down at her drink.

"I asked you about Gail first."

He's silent for a minute. "Well, there's not much to tell. She's getting better. She's recovering. I just thought that her wanting me there for her recovery meant that she really _wanted _to try being together, but I think I was wrong."

"Why's that?"

"I don't know… I'm just getting different signals from her. Like I said, it's nothing much. I'm just gonna help her get better and wait to bring that stuff up."

"Hmm."

"What?" he questions.

"Nothing." Andy smirks a little, like she's holding back a comment.

It's a minute before Nick speaks again.

"Okay, it's your turn," he says with a smile.

"What?"

"That's how this works," he says, motioning between them with his hand, "I told you about Gail, now you get to tell me about whatever is going on with Swarek."

"There's nothing to tell," she lies and downs the rest of her beer.

Nick's smile grows. "Bullshit," he states.

Andy laughs a little self-deprecatingly, "Yeah, I knew you'd call me on that one." She pauses to think a little. "If I'm gonna tell you I need something a little stronger."

She gets the bartenders attention and signals him over and orders another beer and a few shots of tequila. She downs two before looking back at Nick.

"It's pretty simple actually."

"Nothing ever is with relationships."

"Well, it is. He just… he broke up with me, or something." She shrugs, like it explains everything.

"Or something?"

"We're 'taking some time' or whatever."

Nick's brows knit together, "Okay, so, why?"

She laughs again, "You know, I've asked myself that every day for the past two weeks."

He doesn't laugh. He just watches her.

Andy looks down at beer, her fingers making tracks in the condensation on the side of the bottle. She shrugs again, "We had a fight. And apparently I went too far, asked for too much."

"What did you ask for?" He questions.

"Communication. Sam knows everything about me and my family and I don't know one single thing about his. He _never_ opens up. About anything! He's just too stubborn." Andy gestures with her hands and she realizes at that moment that she's almost yelling. "And I just got so frustrated that I yelled at him and he told me we should take a break," she finishes softly.

"Hmm." He repeats her earlier phrase, taking a big gulp of his beer.

She looks over at him skeptically. "What?"

Nick swallows, "I don't know, the guy's probably just nervous to open up. He seems like a pretty guarded guy."

Andy nods and glances down at the bar for a second. "Yep, he sure is. And you wanna know the best part?"

"What?"

She doesn't look at him when she answers him quietly. "He sort of implied that he blamed me for Jerry."

Nick takes a sharp breath and pauses for a few seconds. When he speaks his voice is soft and sympathetic. "Andy, I'm sorry. Nobody should ever have to –"

She cuts him off with a wave of her hand and a sad shake of her head.

"It's fine, I'll be fine. Sam and I will be…" Andy drags the word 'be' out like she's unsure of how to finish.

"Fine?" Nick supplies.

Andy nods. "Yep."

They sit in silence sipping their beers for a few minutes.

"Hey, what are we doing?" Andy asks all peppy.

"What do you mean? We're sitting in the Penny –"

She interrupts him. "Not what I mean, Nick. It's the weekend, we don't have to work tomorrow, and we're sitting here moping. We should be having fun!"

"I don't really feel like fun."

"Well, that's about to change." Andy smiles and calls the bartender over and orders shots for them.

* * *

Three hours later and completely hammered, Nick and Andy take a cab to his apartment. They clumsily wander inside, giggling about who-knows-what the whole way, and he helps her manage the steps.

Andy takes residence on his couch while he goes to pee and when he comes back to ask her about something – he can't even remember what at this point, he's so wasted – and finds her sound asleep on his couch.

Nick grabs a blanket and covers her up before stumbling to his room and collapsing on his own bed with slumber claiming him soon after.

Andy wakes to the wonderful aroma of coffee and sunlight streaming in the windows and practically blinding her.

"Good morning sunshine," Nick greets her as she sits up on the couch, rubbing her eyes.

"Morning." She swings her feet to the ground before asking groggily "What time is it?"

He takes a sip of coffee before turning to look at the tiny digital clock on his microwave. "Quarter to nine. Coffee?"

"Oh shit, I've gotta go. I'm supposed to meet my dad in like an hour for breakfast."

Nick nods. "Sounds fun."

She looks over at him. He's already showered and dressed, standing barefoot in his kitchen in a t-shirt and jeans. He looks rather unaffected from the previous night's activities. "How are you so happy right now?"

"I don't really get hung over."

"Bastard." She swears at him, the alcohol from last night still looming somewhere in her system.

Nick chuckles, "What can I say, it's a gift."

* * *

Sam's at her house sitting on her front stoop when she gets dropped off by the cab. He takes in her appearance: wrinkled clothes, messy hair, and smudged eye makeup. He can tell by her grimace when she gets out of the cab and into the sun and her slight stumble over a crack in the pavement that she's completely hung over.

Andy smiles when she sees him, but that disappears when he says, "Wow, you move on fast," as she reaches him.

Her brow furrows and her voice holds offense when she speaks. "What?"

Sam doesn't say anything. He just gives her a once over and then looks at her pointedly. Sure enough, Andy understands.

"You think I'm with somebody else?" She questions, like it's the most preposterous thing she's ever heard.

"Well, you _have_ gotten all buddy-buddy with Collins."

"He was helping me fix what _you_ _broke_. Nick and I are _friends,_ Sam."

Sam scoffs at that.

"You know what? _That's _why this isn't working, Sam. You don't trust me."

He looks up at her still standing in front of him, "Yes I do, Andy."

"On the job, sure. But with your heart?" She shakes her head, answering her own question.

"Excuse me?" Sam questions, hostility in his voice.

"I said it's not like it was that serious anyway. I mean, Sam, come on. You never sleep in with me in the morning; you're always running out the door with last night's clothes on. We don't talk, not about the stuff you're supposed to talk about in a serious relationship anyway. I don't even know what your tattoo means, and that's pretty basic stuff here."

"I thought you said you were fine with taking it slow, Andy." He says quietly.

"Taking it slow doesn't mean treating this like a reoccurring one night stand," She argues with him, crossing her arms.

Andy sighs, "We were supposed to fight for this," she tells him loudly, "And you? You bowed out the first round."

"Fine. You wanna know the truth about me and my life Andy?" Sam's practically seething with fury as he stands from his spot on the steps and invades her personal space a little bit. Andy takes a step back and glares up at him. It occurs to Andy in the back of her mind that maybe her front porch wasn't the best place to have this argument. Nevertheless, she continues on without hesitation.

"By all means!" Andy swings her arms out, waiting for him to tell her.

"My childhood? My mom was too stoned most of the time to remember to buy groceries or go to work, a neighbor found out a reported my mom which got Sarah and I sent to four different foster homes, three of which were abusive. My tattoo is the initials of a buddy I had in highschool that was killed in a driveby shooting two weeks before graduation on our way to the store to get something his mom needed. I held him as he died in my arms."

Andy was taken aback by his admission; she definitely wasn't expecting all of _that_. She fidgets a little with the hem of her tank top and looks down at his shoes, feeling awkward – what was she supposed to say now?

Sam seems to sense her hesitation and decides to break the silence.

"Okay, so, what now?" He asks with a smirk.

Andy laughs despite the situation and shrugs. "I don't know. I've no idea."

He lets a small smile grace his features as he recognizes that phrase from almost a year ago.

"Maybe we should continue this inside?" Sam suggests.

Andy starts to nod and head up her steps before she turns around. "Wait, no. I can't."

A confused expression appears on his face before she quickly explains, "I have dinner with my dad in," she checks her watch, "like, thirty minutes. Can I call you later?"

Sam's relieved, although he obviously doesn't tell her that. "Yeah, later is fine," he says with a small smile.

* * *

"I don't think me getting closer with Nick helped matters much. We're just friends, partners; I don't get why Sam made a big deal about it," Andy tells her father at breakfast later that morning.

"Let me guess, Swarek accused you of foolin' around with this Collins, is that right?" Tommy says before popping the last piece of his toast into his mouth.

"Dad," Andy admonishes, a slight blush appearing on her cheeks.

Tommy just stares at her, waits for her to answer the question.

She sighs, "Yeah, pretty much."

"Well, tell him he's wrong, set him straight."

Andy shakes her head, feeling silly. Is this what it's come to? Asking her father for relationship advice? Oh, well. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

"I did. But that's the problem, Dad. Sam doesn't trust me, at least not enough to tell me about himself and what's going through his head."

"Hmm," Tommy hums. He picks up his coffee cup and drains the rest in one gulp. He sets it back down on the linoleum table before reaching into his back pocket for his wallet. "Sounds like he's scared."

Andy shrugs, looks down at her coffee. "Sometimes I just don't know with Sam."

"You'll figure it out, kiddo. You always do." Tommy says as he stands a throws a few bills on the table for their breakfast. He ruffles her hair a bit and leans down to place a kiss on the top of her head before walking out of the diner, leaving Andy to her thoughts.

* * *

A/N 2: Please review!

Also, I don't really know where this story is headed, so feel free to let me know what you'd like to see happen in this story next. I'd love to hear everyone's ideas and opinions!


	4. My Weakness I Feel I Must Finally Show

Yes, it's finally done! I know many of you have been patiently awaiting this, but I just wan't feelin' it this time and I think it's because chapter 3 didn't get as many reviews as the other chapters. Why? I don't get it... Reviews=motivation, people!

Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue, sadly.

* * *

Andy's in the middle of cleaning out her refrigerator when Sam finally knocks on her door around one in the afternoon. She's been nervously running around her apartment doing busy-work in the time she's been home from breakfast with her dad, trying to distract herself from the imminent conversation with Sam. First she did laundry, straightened up her living room, and then finally decided on tackling her fridge. Overbuying at the grocery store never turned out very well when she was hardly home to eat.

She's been jittery ever since her third cup of coffee – trying to cure that hangover – and she realizes now that she probably should have stopped drinking after the third cup, maybe even after the fourth. Hopped up on caffeine is _not _how she wants to have this conversation with Sam at all. She needs to be serious and focused. Yeah, that's not gonna work very well, she thinks.

She bounces over to the door and swings it open to find him standing there, hands tucked in his pockets. She runs her eyes down his body to his shoes and then back up again, taking in his appearance. He's wearing his usual fare, jeans, a gray thermal and his leather jacket.

Andy can't help but think of all the times she's opened the door to him like that.

(Usually they'd exchange grins before she would reach forward, grab his shirt and pull him inside. The activities were always fun after that. Andy's slightly disappointed that this is _not_ one of those times…)

"Hey," he says, waiting for her to let him in.

She silently curses the universe for giving him such good looks. Then again, it's very rare that his looks are a bad thing. It's just today that makes Andy hate them, how's she going to stay mad at him when he looks like _that_?

She's snapped from her daze when Sam clears his throat. She blushes a little and opens the door further to let him in. She turns around and starts to walk into her living room but stops when she realizes that Sam's not following. She looks over her shoulder to catch him staring at her kitchen.

"What?"

He turns his head and smirks at her, "Doing a little cleaning?"

Andy furrows her brow for a second before she remembers the refrigerator door hanging open and half of its contents sitting on her island in the middle of her kitchen.

"Oh, yeah. It uh, it just needed to be cleaned out, so…"

_Be calm, Andy, be calm._

She walks over to it and starts putting the things away and jumps a little when she hears Sam clear his throat right next to her. She glances around the refrigerator door to find him leaning up against the counter with his arms crossed, staring at the ground.

He looks into her eyes as he begins speaking. "Andy, I..." he waves his arm a bit and she catches his smell drifting over to her. _Oh god,_ why does he have to smell so amazing? She knows he's struggling here, and she can't help but notice how cute it is when he can't find his words. _No Andy, _she tells herself, _you need to work this out before you jump him._

"Okay, if we're going to do this then you need to go stand over there." She cuts him off and points to the other side of the island, a serious look on her face.

"Why?" He asks, amused confusion taking over his features.

Andy puts her hands on her hips. "'Cause all of that is going to distract me," she says waving her hand up and down the length of her body.

He laughs, "Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously. And don't laugh at me, jerk."

Sam holds his hands up in surrender, complies and slowly makes his way to the other side of the island, still chuckling to himself. "I get it, I get it. Can't keep your hands off me."

Andy rolls her eyes, "You wish, buddy." She can't even stop herself from grinning, knowing she's been caught. She places her palms on the counter and looks at him expectantly, "You were saying?" She prompts, her expression now serious.

"Right, yeah." He clears his throat. "Andy, I'm sorry. I know I was supposed to fight for us, for this, and I didn't. And there's no excuse for me walking away, and you have no reason to forgive me, but I'm hoping you can give me another chance."

Sadness returns to Andy's eyes, the memories of heartbreak resurfacing in her mind and she gives him a non-committal shrug.

She breathes in deeply before looking down at the counter, "Every couple only gets one break up, so I need to know that you're in this for the long haul, that you're not going to leave again when the going gets rough, that you're going to stay and work shit out with me. Because honestly, Sam, I can't handle you leaving again."

"I'm not going to," He replies softly.

Andy shrugs and holds her hands up, "How do I know that for sure, Sam? How do I know that in six months or a year or whatever when something else happens that you're not going to leave again?"

Sam is silent and breaks their gaze to look down at the counter. She grabs a bottle of mustard beside her and turns around to put it back in the fridge.

Sam mutters something so quietly that she almost doesn't hear it. Andy's hand freezes as she shuffles some things around on a shelf in her fridge. She slowly turns around to find him staring at her, his gaze heated from across the kitchen.

"What?" She asks hesitantly.

"I said I'm not going to leave because I love you." He tells her, louder this time, still a bit hesitant to say it out loud.

"Sam, those are just words at this point. I mean, it's nice to hear, finally. But I can't do all the work for this relationship anymore."

She closes the doors to the fridge and starts to walk away, but he jumps in front of her and cuts her off at the end of the island, his hands raised in front of him.

"Okay, you know what? You don't have to do anything. I'm gonna do it all, I'm gonna do everything, okay? I'm gonna show you, every single day until you say yes. I'm gonna make you dinner, take out your garbage, I'm gonna walk your dog – "

Andy shakes her head slightly, "I don't have a dog," she says quietly.

"Then let's get a dog. Labradoodle, mutt from the pound, I don't care, let's bring him home and call him Boo. Boo Radley, I've always liked that name for a dog."

She gives a little smile at that and bites her bottom lip.

"Okay look, I was talking to Oliver yesterday and he didn't know if he should go back to Zoe or not. And it made me realize that sometimes the best thing is the thing you had. Andy, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I will continue to fight until you realize that I'm one hundred percent _in_ this until the end."

Andy honestly has no idea what to say to that, her eyes dart around the room as she tries to keep it together. Sam grabs her hands and takes them in one of his and cups her jaw with the other, forcing her to look at him.

"You were right when you said that I'd never said it to anyone else before. Honestly, it still scares me saying it now to you. But I promise to make you feel loved every day we're together, because it's true Andy. I love you so much."

Her bottom lip quivers slightly and all of a sudden her eyes feel watery as tears spring to her eyes. She had told herself that she was going to stay strong for this, come hell or high water, but this man. She doesn't even know what she wants at this point, all she knows is that she removes her hands from his and wraps them around his waist, pulling him in tight for a hug as she buries her face in his neck. She sniffles a little as silent tears start to make their way down her cheeks halfway before absorbing into his t-shirt.

Sam wraps one arm around her shoulders and threads the other through her hair. He pulls back a little to place a soft kiss to her forehead and tilts her face up towards his. He moves his hand from her back to cup her jaw and caress her cheek with his thumb as he stares into her eyes. After seeing silent permission in her gaze, he leans down and kisses her gently.

He bumps her nose with his when they break apart and Andy bites her lip.

"Okay," she whispers.

Sam almost doesn't believe her words. He looks into her eyes, both of his hands now cupping her face.

"You sure?" He questions, his voice low and rough.

She flicks her gaze away from his for a second and then brings it back before she starts to nod, a small smile on her face. "Yeah."

Andy hooks one of her hands behind his neck and pulls him back down for another kiss. While the last one held the promise and love for each other, this one definitely holds passion. Sam brings his hands to grip her waist as they kiss and he lifts her up to sit on the kitchen island so he can reach her better. Andy runs her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck and smiles into the next kiss before his tongue dives into her mouth as he deepens the kiss.

They stay like that, lazily making out, for several minutes before they break apart for air. Sam places little kisses on her forehead and across her cheeks as she hums.

"Mm, I've missed you," she whispers.

Sam meets her lips once again in a short kiss. "Likewise."

Andy chuckles a little and pulls his face back toward hers. She knows it'll take a lot of work to get them back on track, but right now she's content to just start by losing herself in him.

* * *

Alright, that's it! It's done! I hope you all enjoyed it. I might do a series of oneshots following this story, but who knows, I guess it just depends on the level of demand I get from readers.

As always, review, review, review!


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